Magic Mike looks about as fun as being at a gay bar with 3 bachelorette parties going on at once.

Not that I would ever expect mainstream movies to actually get a movie about hot men right… or even close. But you would have thought that maybe a movie with Channing Tatum and that other guy from that other movie with the pecs might at least… not look like a really shitty chick flick. And not even in a “so shitty it’s fun” like Showgirls or “so shitty that you can still enjoy it on some level” like Mamma Mia, no this looks “so shitty that you’re bored before the trailer is even finished” like Demi Moore’s career-ending, face-planting, herpes-giving Striptease.

I remember seeing Flashdance when I was a teenager. It was about a girl with no dance training who wanted to be a ballerina. So she worked as a welder during the day and a stripper at night and somehow managed to spend her spare time practicing her dancing in a huge warehouse that she rented. In New York. At 18. She started dating her boss who was about 2.6 times her age and made all sorts of weird sexual advances under the table at restaurants and said “shit” and “fuck” a lot and it STILL was a movie that told a generation of teenage girls that it was OK to be ambitious and smart and pretty and sexual and even emotional. And after seeing it, we all wore sweatshirts for about three years.

This is about as far from Flashdance as movies can get.

This looks like a bunch of dopey straight guys who dance in their underwear (don’t believe the hype, there will be no cock in this atrocity), and fall down and go boom and make idiots of themselves. Because that’s the kind of emasculated dunces that the kind of women who will see this movie want. The female romantic lead is as annoying as that stuck-up best friend of your sister who would never stop talking about how dumb everyone else is and for some reason Channing Tatum’s character really wants to follow his dream… which is making furniture. No, really.

And yes, there are scenes with a lot of drunken, screaming Woo Girls who have turned some of the coolest gay night spots into Bachelorette Party Purgatory. And just like those girls ruined all your favorite night spots, they even ruined the trailer of a movie that is clearly ruined before it’s even out.

ugh.